


When the (Full & Rising)Sun Stuck in Quandary

by kafkachild



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Asshole Mark, Doyoung is hero, Haechan just want to spend time with Mark, Hate, Hyukhei, Jealous Haechan, Lucas is nice, M/M, Sad, Self-blaming, Time setting-before comeback, heart-broken, mention of light violence, warning for triggering content, writer has no idea how this story will turn out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-04-23 05:08:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14325263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kafkachild/pseuds/kafkachild
Summary: Ever since Lucas debuted, Haechan feels like everything is being taken away from him. The attention, the fans, the members, his friends.His Mark hyung.Lucas thought he was the one to blame,but Haechan knew it's not Lucas' fault, but someone or something need to be blamed.To who they want to put the blame on?Situation? Time?Themselves?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for clicking the story tinhatter. Enjoy!

Haechan laid on his bed, his arms as his pillow. Sometimes, he rolled his body to the left, then right. Looking for the position that could ease him. At night like this, he usually laid next to his Mark hyung, playing video games or watching movie. Or he would stay there until he fell asleep.

But lately, Mark had become busy, unable to spend more time for him.

So many things came in their way. Last week, they went abroad to shoot for their new MV. After coming back, their schedules was filled with practice, practice and practice. Haechan felt like he could throw up by the amount of practices they had to go through. A bit of escape would do him a favor. So, he went to Mark like usual, asking if there was activity would help to freshen the hell out of them.

“Sorry Haechanie, but I already have plan with Xuxi.” said Mark, declining his invitation.

He was a bit of taken aback, but then acting like it was nothing. “It’s okay hyung. Have fun.” His tongue tasted bitter as he speaking out his lie.

The mention of Lucas name somehow made him uneasy on his seat. There’s so much things that the Chinese boy made him feel in the short span of his debut into their group. Lucas was so powerful that he affected the people who’s not even in his radar. One of the people was Haechan.

He barely talked to Lucas. He even never thought of trying to initiate conversation with him. There’s a small interaction between them, but just small. Little talk and little gesture. Haechan didn’t see the point of forming bond with Lucas, since both of them were not in a same unit. They were in same room only during fan meeting or idol show that required all members to participate. Otherwise, he forgot about energetic boy’s existence.

Truth to be honest, Haechan sometimes felt intimidated by amount of attention that fans gave to Lucas. Plus, Lucas is loud and energized person. His strong and friendly aura definitely affected whoever sees him. The hyungs line also admired Lucas for his humorous side. Including his Mark hyung. The spot of attention that had been owned by him for a very long time, now being taken away from him, by Lucas. And it was sort of unpleasant.

Now, all members were currently doing promotion altogether, he had to be in the same room and  breathed same air with the newly debuted member.

He hated it.

**********

 

‘Hyung, you haven’t sleep yet?” Mark turned his head to the bedroom door, only to find out Haechan poking his head out of nowhere.

“Not yet. Come in, Hyuck.” Mark scooted him, patting the space next to him, then focused back the phone on his hand. He chuckled, then laughed out loud while slapping his own thigh.

‘Hyung, what’s so funny?” Haechan went closer, figuring out things that amused his hyung.

It was a chat conversation, Haechan scanned a lots of funny pictures being sent to Mark. He can’t help but finding it funny and laughing too.

“This is one hell of jokes content. So funny. Who send it to you hyung?” Haechan asked while he took the phone from Mark and scrolling through the conversation. He curious of who sent this humorous text that made Mark blew up like this.

Mark snorted first before ending his laughing. He wiped his own tears from laughing too much.

“It’s Xuxi. We’ve been trolling for the past straight three hours. He kept spamming me with his own funny selfies and funny caption. This idiot really love to troll himself just to make me laugh.”

“Oh. Lucas. This guy is… funny. He’s really humorous lately.” He said, instead of naming him as ‘Xuxi’ like the rest of his members. He never spoke of Lucas using that name. Never even once. It’s awkward for Haechan to address Lucas using his surname. They’re not even that closed. He tried to hide his tense and pretend to scroll down even more. “This guy. Yeah. Really humorous.”

“This ‘guy’? He’s older than you, you know. Address him with more polite call, ‘hyung’ at least.” Mark reminded him of his manner.

“It’s not like he is here, in this room. Relax hyung.” Haechan suddenly felt irritated of Mark’s reminder. It’s not a big issue anyway. Why did Mark acted so suddenly like this?

“I know he is not in here. But imagine if you call Xuxi informally, that would be rude. Don’t do that again.”

Haechan swallowed in his throat. He can feel his own forehead wrinkling. His chest started to feel a little bit hot. “What’s wrong hyung? I just call him informally when he’s not around. We all does that with other hyungs too. It’s not that I’m talking bad about him behind his back. He’s not a Korean anyway, and I guess he’s okay to be called by his own name. You’re the one who sensitive hyung. Do you know you had become like this ever since you went back to Ukraine? I knew you two got close. Everything I say about Lucas seemed very negative to you. And you dry you own saliva just to defend him.” Haechan let out everything he had been keeping inside this whole time without thinking, and he unconsciously hit Mark lightly at his chest.

But Mark flinched with his small action. Mark’s face turned surprised and intense. Something red. Something smelled like hatred. Haechan’s action just now had sent a wrong interpretation to Mark. And Mark obviously not having it.

“What is wrong with you?” Mark replied his gesture with light slap on Haechan’s face.

Haechan got up from the bed and quickly stood on his feet. Somehow, it made him appeared bigger and taller than Mark. “I’m the one who supposed to ask that question hyung. I can’t speak without you easily getting trigger at my words. Especially about Lucas. Even though I talk nice of him, you always trying to find reason to twist my words.”

“Every words you said about Lucas is all shady. How can I’m not triggered by it? Even Taeyong hyung and Johnny hyung uneasy because of you.” Mark snapped. But he still didn’t make move. He still sat on his bed, not afraid of Haechan might do something physical to him.

“So it’s all my fault?” Haechan already curled his fist, clenching it so hard. His nails dug into his palm. It’s hurt, but nothing hurt more than what he felt inside his chest right now.

“If you brave enough to admit it.” Mark said calmly. Mark’s calm state really made Haechan hissed in angry and irritated. But things that really made Haechan possibly wanted to combust into fire was Mark’s determination to stand up for Lucas. His hyung stood for other people. His beloved hyung, his best friend, his soulmate just went against him, to protect other people.

Mark got up and stood on his feet, walking closer to Haechan until they’re face to face. Haechan still on his position, didn’t backed up. Didn’t feel threating at all by his hyung.

“I admit that none of it is my fault. None of his _bullshit_ has anything to do with me.” Haechan eyed him with a sharp gaze.

“You curse. How brave.”

Both of them were breathing hard, gathering energy and force from their young blood. Both of them are ready to claw each other, punching the life out of each other.

Haechan already got his hands on Mark’s shirt by the time Doyoung barging into the room.

“Hey! Hey! Hey! Kids, enough!” Said Doyoung, who coming from nowhere.

Both of them startled.

“Markeu hyung starts it first.” His first still curled on Mark’s fabric, stubborn to let go.

“You’re the one who’s shady. If it weren’t for your emotional ass, none of this would happen. You always trying to find reason to piss me.” Mark pointed back.

“Kids, kids enough. Haechanie, let go your hyung shirt.” Doyoung urged him softly.

“But Doyoungie hyung-“

“Haechanie, let go of Mark’s shirt, or I’ll call the other hyungs. You don’t want to mess with the older. Especially Johnny and Yuta.”

“See? Even Doyoung hyung calls Johnny hyung informally. You’re the one who’s exaggerating hyung.” He grasped the shirt even more. It made Mark gasped and hard to breath.

“Lee Donghyuck.”

Someone called him by his full name.

Haechan gulped.

He slowly turned his head towards the door.

It was Yuta. Then, appeared Johnny. And the rest of older members. Little did he knew, all the older members already rushed to the room the moment they started fought. All of them always been steady and ready on their feet whenever the maknaes started throwing tantrum to each other.

“Let. Go. Of. Mark.” Yuta’s voice was deep and it sent shiver into his spine. His face was dead serious. There was no way Haechan would not obey his order. He slowly let loose of Mark’s shirt and let go. He also moved backward a few steps from Mark. His chest fell and rise fast, frustrated that he didn’t get to hit Mark on his face.

“You two really can’t live without bickering with each other, isn’t it?” Johnny stepped forward, with his arms crossed each other.

“I don’t care if he just bickering with me. Haechan crosses the line this time. Dragging Xuxi into his nonsense shit so he can piss me off.” Mark pointed out.

“I’m not trying to piss you off! That’s the truth. What? You really fond of Lucas that everything he does seem so right and flawless in front of you two fucking eyes.” The heavy inside his chest felt slowly lifted as he spilling it all in front of everyone.

He also glad that the other members also present at the moment. Let everyone knew who’s the one who fucked up, and who’s the one that saving the fucked up. Let everyone knew that what happened right now was not just an angst battle of a teenager who’s still growing up, it’s more than that. It was a contrast opinion that in friendship when new people trying to slide in. And it’s not only happened to teenagers like them. It happened to everyone. Which meant, it was a serious matter.

“You’re jealous now? That I also have other close friend apart from you? That I fond of other people apart from you? Wake up Donghyuck. You’re getting older. No longer a baby. You know I can’t keep babying you forever. It’s time for you to stop depending on me. I also have my own life apart from becoming your babysitter!”

Haechan struck. Everyone inside the room dumbfounded. Silence. Mark, a prudent person, who always speak with gentleness, thinking before speaking, now had showed the other side of the table. He flipped out. Even the hyungs didn’t dare to make any sound. Maybe they’re giving Mark a gap to speak out his thought. Or maybe they’re just too coward to interrupt the intense situation.

The confession was intentionally made for Haechan, straight and direct, but the other members also felt the heat, heart tugging, sharp in the gut.

Haechan opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. His mouth was not able to form a word, still in shock state, didn’t know what to reply to the older. His whole body went rigid. His emotion was mixing.

Was is true? Was he really jealous of Mark’s friendship with Lucas? How can he was not aware of himself all this time?

But Mark was, _is_ his bestfriend, for 4 years. They saw each other grew up. They also promised to grow up together for as long as they can. It’s a promise. But seeing Mark denying him like this, his hope started to fade.

“I’m- I’m not jealous hyung. I’m- I’m-” He choked. He really have no words for this one.

“Then what?!” Mark almost shouted, which made Haechan jumped.

Haechan could feel his eyes started to wet and hot. “I just want to spend time with you hyung, consider now that we start to become busy with a lot of thing. Promotions, practices, everything are on the way. So I hope to find chance cos we haven’t spend time together lately after you went filming in Ukraine. But you always say you’re busy when the real is you just hanging out with Lucas. How can I’m not complaining?”

Haechan wiped the hot tears on his cheek using his shirt’s sleeves. It was very humiliating to say exactly what’s inside his chest box. It was hard to be vulnerable when he’s not strong enough to become one. But it’s not like he was not asking much. Just a bit of his time for his dongsaeng.

But unfortunately, he’s no longer eligible to stand on those position, no longer had the specialty for requesting or demanding. It’s not his place anymore.

“I- I don’t know what to say to you Hyuck. You’re been demanding lately. I need a break. I need to get a break. _From you._ ” Mark’s tone was no longer high. It’s flat and cold. No longer warm and gentle like before. Nobody knew how long it’s going to last. Maybe forever.

“You could just ask if you really meant it Hyuck, instead of trash-talking.” Yuta interrupted from the back.

Johhny came to support. “Yeah. Mark didn’t spend his entire time with Lucas. He also hang out with other member. His self-time also. He needs to breathe. Our comeback is coming soon, and Mark will become more busier than ever, Haechan. You need to understand that. Don’t let your jealousy blinding you of Lucas. He’s a nice kid. You’re the one who need to grow, don’t stuck in your comfort zone.”

Doyoung turned his head to the elder. ‘Seriously Johnny hyung? You’re not helping at all. You too Yuta hyung. Don’t encourage this kid to argue with each other.” He enlarged his eyes towards to two elder. Doyoung would never compromise when it came to serious matter like this, eventhough it took him to stand against the older member. He was not afraid. He had his own principle. Among the hyungs line, he is the one who understand the younger member the most. He knew how to handle them whenever they had misunderstanding. He had done everything to keep the two from quarreling, including changing his room with one of them.

“Now, Haechanie,” Doyoung said softly, rubbing his back, “I need you to go back to your room. It almost 11. Go to sleep.”

Haechan just nodded, while wiping the tears that keep streaming down his face.

“Now, can I have back my phone?” said Mark, while shoving his hand, with his palm flat opened.

There’s something flicked in the back of Haechan’s mind. In the midst of the breakdown, Mark was still thinking about his phone. Of course. He needed it to keep in touch with his new best friend.

Instead of giving it properly to Mark, without thinking, Haechan threw the phone harshly onto the bed.

Mark gasped. His eyes grew widen.

“Hey you-“

Before Mark even finished his words, Haechan stormed out of the room, barged angrily through the small crowd. The other members just stood there, looking like statue, didn’t know what to do. Doyoung just shook his head in dissatisfaction.

Before Doyoung left the room, he muttered under his breath. “You guys are idiot.”

 

 

**********

 

Haechan threw himself to the bunk bed that he shared with Jaehyun. He hid his face inside the pillow, crying the life out of him. If earlier, he struggled to hold back his tears, now he just let it all out. He didn’t care. None of it mattered now. Mark quarantined himself from him already, keeping a safe distance. It tore him apart, knowing that the closest person he ever had, now turning his back to him, for other people.

Suddenly it felt like the whole world was against him.

His mind started to play around with him, flashing back all the memories that he had with his beloved hyung, but his time, his face was replaced with Lucas’ image.

He wanted to mad at Lucas, but he knew Lucas didn’t deserve the hate, the punishment. It’s also not Mark’s fault.

Maybe it was his own fault.

He cried hard until he falling into a deep sleep.

**********

Haechan woken up by the sound of the bedroom door creaking. It was his roommate, Jaehyun. There also someone with him. He unsure how long had he slept. It’s probably midnight by now.

“He sleeps already?” It was his Taeyong hyung, whispering.

“I guess so.” Jaehyun replied in whisper too. He can sense that the two were tiptoeing, moving closer to his bed. Checking on him. Haechan froze, pretend to sleep. But keeping his hearing opened, sneaking their conversation.

“He’s exhausted from crying. Poor kid.” Taeyong sat on the edge of the bed. His hands roamed on Haechan shoulder, giving comfort, something Haechan really needed right now.

“I feel pity for Haechan. Mark is too harsh on him. I’m surprise of Mark behavior just now. He never lose his temper like that.” Jaehyun said.

Taeyong gave out a sigh. “Maybe he already reaches his limit. But I’m agree, he’s too mean just now. These two are the scariest when fighting. It hits me straight in the gut sometimes.”

“Well, let’s hope they get well soon.”

The two became silent, before they got up, “I need to go back to my room. It’s already late.” Taeyong said while yawning.

“Yeah. It’s 1 am.”

Haechan felt touched when Jaehyun pulled the blanket from the edge of the bed and draped it all over his body, tucked it in perfectly so he didn’t sleep in cold tonight. Haechan almost sobbed when Taeyong softly caressed and patting his head gently, whispering him good night and slept well. God, he loved the pair so much. There was some people who’s still by his side, understanding him, didn’t judge him.

“Look after him Hyunie. If there’s anything, just call me. Good night.”

“Okay. Good night hyung.” Jaehyun said, sent the older until the door.

Haechan heard the door were door close, few stomp of feet, sheet rustled, and lastly the click of the lamp being turned off.

Everything went dark.

Haechan’s eyes became watery again. His lung contracted and expanded. His emotion mixed.

He wondered what’s going to happen tomorrow. It could be fine, like before. Or it could be worse. He got no idea. He’s too scared to think of tomorrow looking back to what already happened today.

He shut his eyes, forcing to leftover tears to fall and dried. He can’t stop crying, even in his sleep. His dilemma haunted him, even in his unconscious state.

 

 

 

 

*********

“Okay hyung.” Lucas nodded to himself while listening to Taeyong at the end of the line.

“I’m not trying to make you to feel guilty about their fight. It’s just, I want to let you know what happen, since they indirectly involve your name into their quarrel. There’s no point of hiding this matter, cos you’ll find out about it in the end. I’m pleased to see you mixing around with all the members, bonding with each other. But for now, you need to put yourself a distance, out of Haechan’s radar. I hope you understand what hyung is trying to say. Don’t get me wrong, you two will make a good friend together, both of your personality make me dying to see you two get along, but the situation now doesn’t seem right.”

Lucas felt a bit of an ache inside his chest, listening to their leader’s long explanation. But he was nobody to complain.

“I understand hyung. Thanks for telling me this, and not hiding it from me. I’ll try to put myself out of trouble.” Lucas tried his best to talk in a calm voice, covering the shaking tone.

“Don’t think too much about it. They will get better sooner or later. I know it. Good night Lucas. Rest well.” Taeyong ended their conversation.

Lucas let out a long sigh.

He leaned against the balcony, letting himself get lost by the bright moon. Feeling the cold wind blew on his face, while his mind was hazy with a lot of thought, and his heart was full with a lot of emotion.

He got inside lazily, as Kun preparing his bed. “Who’s calling just now?”

“It’s just Taeyong hyung. He asks me if I had seen his Airpod. He lost them.” Lucas lied.

He didn’t have the energy to tell his roommate about it, maybe tomorrow. For tonight, he just the lie.

“I’m going to sleep. Don’t stay up too late.” Kun yawned, and turned off the light.

“Alright hyung.” He replied.

Lucas sat at the edge of his bed, didn’t know what to do. His eyes were still fresh. He looked around the room, only to find darkness and a bit of light from moon helped to brighten the space.

He went up and headed to kitchen, opened the refrigerator, poured himself a glass of cold water. Drinking cold liquid wasn’t good for his throat, but he didn’t care this time.

He gulped the water greedily, feeling the ice cold flowing in his throat, his lung, his stomach. Some of it spreading to his brain, which made him pained of brain freeze. It’s hurt, so hurt that he’s about to faint.

But it was still nothing compared to the guilty that flooded inside his heart.

Lucas knew that Haechan disliked him, ever since the day he was announced to debut. He didn’t see it at first, but it came and reality hit him hard during the day of their dance practice. He mingled and got along with everybody, except for Haechan. Nobody knew why. Haechan seemed to distance himself from Lucas, avoided from joining the member’s hype for Lucas. He was the only one who looked uninterested towards Lucas, ignoring his humors while everyone clapping happily at Lucas jokes.

His awaited debut made him grateful, his members welcomes him with an open arm, happy to reunite with their former SMRookie member, everything appeared so right at the moment, everything felt so good at the moment.

But there’s something, tiny like an ink blot, distracting Lucas from enjoying it all. As the time passing by, it grew bigger and bigger, spreading to the other part of his mind, like a cancer.

He can’t be happy and acted like everything was fine, when the truth was, there’s someone who didn’t welcome him warmly like the others, accepting him as part of them.

Haechan, a bright person, colorful personality, everyone favourite member, admired by his hyung, approachable to any person, suddenly behaved like a stone cold to Lucas.

And just now Taeyong called, telling that Haechan had a fight with Mark, because of him.

At this moment, Lucas was so badly want to explain everything. But to who? Thin air?

He didn’t mean to take over Haechan’s place in Mark life, if that what Haechan thought all this time. Everyone acknowledge that he and Mark had gotten closer after they went to film their next comeback. Both of them were the only 99 liner among the members, so they easily got clicked with each other. The unexpected chemistry they shared had surprised the fans. Some even shipped them.

It’s a lie if Haechan didn’t feel annoy by their sudden bonding. Haechan clung to Mark more than anyone else. He can’t live without the hyung that always by his side ever since their trainee day. It was truly a beautiful and strong friendship, until Lucas came into picture, sliding himself between them, ruining the painting. 

With the quarrel that happened today, it just worsen everything. Haechan was going to hate him even more. Lucas had not yet made a proper interaction or conversation with the younger, and he believed it would not happen anytime soon.

It’s raining outside, both suns hiding behind clouds, unable to come out and crying their heart out, so the skies were so kind tonight, willing to cry for them, spilling out the hurts and pains. There would be two lonely people tonight, sleeping with tears stricken-cheeks and a heavy heart. It was weird to feel this wrong when everything accurately fell into the right place.

It is uncertain that the sun would rise tomorrow. It is also unsure the sun would appear full tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haechan wished things were less complicated than it seemed.  
> Lucas wished Haechan stopped made everything looked complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since lot of people wish to see this story to continue, so i continued it. i dont know what am i writing, but i hope you like it

Lucas sipped his coffee calmly. The smoke from the glass touching his face, leaving a warm sensation against the cold morning. It’s raining outside, supposed to be a bliss moment.

He could go back to his bed, snuggling into the warm blanket and soft bed.

But he choose not to.

Kun came out of the room, joined him at the table. He picked a cup, then poured a coffee for himself. “This is rare. You’re not a morning person.”

“Good morning by the way.” He added.

“I feel like I need to wake up early.” Lucas said.

“What for? We are not supposed to have any practice today.” Kun took a sip.

Lucas stared emptily into the glass. He just left the question hanging.

“Xuxi what’s wrong?” Kun put down his cup. He suddenly aware of his dongsaeng state. It eventually made him concerned.

“I’m fine, hyung.” Lucas answered halfheartedly.

“God, did you just bawl your eyes?”

Kun reached out his hands to touch the dark circle on Lucas’ eyes, checking on him. But Lucas immediately avoided his hands and pushed it lightly. “Hyung, seriously I’m fine.”

“Are you crying last night?” Kun ignored his defenses and kept asking.

This hyung was really determined, Lucas thought. “It just, I slept late last night. There’s nothing to worry about.”

“Because you’re crying, isn’t it? That’s why you slept late? Don’t cover it, I might or might not hear you sniffing under your blanket last night.”

Lucas took a deep breath, and breathed out. But still, the pain didn’t go away, kept mutilating every inch of his inside.

“Hyung, what am I supposed to do?” Lucas finally let his tears streaming down. He couldn’t hold it anymore. His chest felt so jammed, as if there’s a stone blocking inside his lung.

Kun stunned. As far as he knew, the younger never had any serious problem that able to make him breakdown like this. Lucas was not the type of person who’s good at solving thing himself. Was there something that Lucas didn’t tell him? He rubbed his back, giving reassurance to let loose.

“I don’t know what’s happening to you, but I just want to tell that, don’t go hard on yourself. Circumstances can be cruel sometimes. And you must expect it to come anytime. Tell me when you are ready.”

 

 

 

Haechan entered the practice room. Today, he went early without his members. Inside, there’s already Jeno and Jisung laid against the wall with their phones.

Both of them ignored his presence. On normal day, he probably would irritated, but he felt glad today that they didn’t pay much attention to him. He didn’t has any energy to engage with people. Instead, Haechan shut his eyes and took a short nap at the corner of the room.

These morning, he woke up early, and showered himself with hardcore cold water. He still felt terribly hurt by what happened last night. He turned on the shower to its maximum level, so no one can hear him crying. He cried as hard as he can, as the cold and sharp water drops needling deep into his skin mercilessly. No matter how loud he cried, nobody could hear, or care. That’s what he wanted.

Haechan stayed away from Mark as far as he could during their practice. He kept a safe distance. He knew his place. The other five members noticed the tension, but they didn’t suspect more. Just a normal fight the elders usually had. They already got used to it. It happened so many times before.

But none of them knew it was a real fight this time.

 

“Haechanie?”

Jaehyun entered the room he shared with Haechan, went to the younger’s bed, and sat there.

Haechan distracted himself from his phone and turned his head to his hyung. These days, he barely talk to his members. He was mad towards everyone, except for a few members; Jaehyun, Taeyong and Doyoung. He realized that he still need people to hang on. And those people didn’t judge him. Right now, he was only comfortable with the three.

“Hmm?”

“Taeyongie hyung just made a dessert. Let’s eat together. You haven’t gather with us lately. Everyone misses you.”

“Who?” He asked coldly. _Who miss me?_

“Winwin, Taeil hyung. They want to come into our room yesterday to visit you, but they didn’t want to interrupt your privacy.”

“Just two.”

 “Ten hyung also came here yesterday. He felt weird that you didn’t welcome him at the front door like you usually do.”

“Just three.” Haechan muttered.

“Haechanie…” Jaehyun sighed. He softly caressed the younger’s soft hair. “Everyone misses you. I know you mad toward Johnny hyung and Yuta hyung. But they admit that they are guilty for making you feel like this.”

Haechan just stilled, barely responding.

“But Mark hyung did not, right? He is made of anything but empathy.” Haechan suddenly said.

Jaehyun surprised. He didn’t expect such words came out of his mouth. It made him a bit worried. Haechan was overthinking. “Haechanie, what are you talking about? He probably tired from non-stop the promotion. You know he had to be in three different unit right? You have to understand the pressure he gone through this whole months. It might make him tension and act in unusual behavior. He will get back to normal after finishing the whole promotion weeks. Don’t worry.”

Haechan still wanted to make his point. “But Taeyong hyung also in three units. And he doesn’t push you out of his way. Nor ignore you.”  

“It’s because Taeyongie hyung needs my support, so he could go on with the tiring comebacks. He always rely on us to gain strength.” Jaehyun said.

“Then,” Haechan sat up, “Does it means that Mark hyung no longer needs my support or rely on me? That’s why he pushed me away? Because I stand on his way.”

“No Haechanie-”

But the younger cut him. “He’s tired of me, isn’t it?”

Jaehyun speechless. He struggled to find his word, but there’s none. There’s no longer words left to say. He realized how Haechan really keen to believe that it was Mark’s fault, rather than to put the blame on Lucas, like he did last night. No matter how bad Jaehyun wanted to deny it, Haechan’s perspective slowly made sense.

Little did he knew, Jaehyun started to believe that Haechan was right.

 

“Xuxi, are you still there?” asked Mark at the end of the line.

They had spent 30 minutes talking on the phone about the newly released online games. Lucas felt guilty to pick up the phone when Mark called him. Considered of what happening last few days, he still felt the terrible spin in his gut whenever it popped inside his head.

And Mark’s call today just worsen everything.

“Yeah..yeah. I’m still here.” Lucas woke up from his unconscious state, focused back to the hanging conversation.

“You’re spacing out. What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Mark guessed.

“No. I’m not. I’m listening to you.” _If only you know you’re the factor._

“Alright then. But I realize that you just hum and say ‘yes’ instead of answering me properly, unlike usual. Are you sure you okay?”

Lucas annoyed with the repetitive question, but he felt touched at the same time. Mark cared about his well-being, his unbalanced emotion. Mark noticed it all.

Lucas knew that all Mark wanted was to become a good friend. But, did he had to hurt other person just to get another one? Indirectly, it made Lucas terrible and guilty, as if he was the one who stole someone’s bestfriend, when in reality, he was not. He never intend to do such thing.

“Good night. See you tomorrow during practice. Seriously, there’s a lot about the games we need to talk about.” Mark said enthusiastically before put down.

“Yeah, tomorrow.” Lucas said to himself, after the line being cut off.

He willing to jump off the balcony rather than being at the dance practice tomorrow.

 

 

 

“Everyone, we’re about to start in 15 minutes. Do your stretching and warm-up. You don’t want to strain your muscles before the performance. Be responsible to your own body.” Said Taeyong with authority in his voices. The others lazily put their phones in their backpacks and slowly stood up, following the leader’s order.

Haechan did his warm-up with Doyoung and Renjun at the corner. He had been quiet like he did for these whole week, quarantined himself from other members at the corner. Only the Dreamies and few of the hyungs dared to talk to him. While other hesitated to get closed, afraid that Haechan might burst or explode unexpectedly.

Taeyong walked toward his direction and approached him. “Haechan, have you finish your stretching?” The leader asked attentively.

“Yes hyung.” He answered simply.

“Okay. Good. We’ll be start soon.” The leader seemed satisfied as he patted Haechan at his shoulder. He didn’t want Haechan to be distracted with any thoughts that might brought him out of the path. Focus and commitment were very important during practice, and he needed to make sure Haechan still had them.

 

 

The practiced went well for the group. They had been repeating the dances for more than they could have count. They went back and forth to the few moves that needed to be adjusted and sharpen until they satisfied. After managed to conquer the previous, they took 15 minutes rest, then moved on to perfecting their synchronization. Synchronization might be complicated for a group with mass amount of 18 members. But Taeyong always managed to bring out the group from such belief and exceeded everyone expectation. The chemistry and trust each members shared were the great base that shoved them upward and reached the perfection.

 

 

Before they ended the practice, he gathered all the members, saying a few words and comments, that the members should give their full commitment and hardwork, considered the next comeback will be bigger than ever. It’s their first ever comeback as a whole group, alongside with Kun’s debut. Everyone needed to put extra effort to make their comeback more appealing than before. They already grasped the attention from the public, and their intention now was to keep their momentum and constant appearances on music show.

“Ahh, I can’t wait to get back to dorm and sleep.” Doyoung groaned once they finished their short meeting. The other members started to gather their backpacks and ready to get home. It always the loudest moment after the practices end, everyone excited to get back and doing their own thing.

Haechan just being quiet at the corner. He quietly collected his stuff and put it in the red locker. He wiped the sweat on his forehead using his drenched shirt. So unlucky, he forgot to bring towel today. And the fact, his forgotten water bottle near his bed at the dorm. Haechan sighed. Maybe, he just waited until he reached the dorm, then he got to quench his extreme thirst.

It usually happened. Actually, Haechan never brought his own water. Whenever he thirsty, he always went to Mark and shared the water together. Generous Mark, he always bring the biggest bottle and filled it with a lot of water. He always get used to Haechan asking from him.

But now it’s different.

From afar, he could listened spur laughter. No need to turn around, he already knew the voices’ owner. What was more painful, the person didn’t laugh alone. Mark got his company.

He ignored his feeling and continued to busy himself at the locker.

“Haechanie, quickly put your stuff into the locker. Then we go home.” Said Doyoung fanning himself with his hand.

“Just a minute hyung.”

Haechan struggled to shove everything inside when a familiar voice came from his back.

Never in a million years he thought this could happen again. Never.

“Donghyuck.”

Haechan stay completely still, didn’t turn around, but he couldn’t help but to answer. “What?” It’s cold, but there was glint of hope and flash of vulnerable in his voice, hoping for warmth ray of sunshine to start a new day, new chapter. It’s unbelievable, but he willing to throw out his ego out of the window right now. It had been miserable weeks for him. He can’t afford this longing any longer. He admitted it, he missed his Mark hyung, he needed his Mark hyung.

Mark moved closed to him, spreading out his palm, “Can I take back my charger?”

_What?_

_No apologies?_

Haechan turned around, quick like a lightning, facing Mark. He wanted to see Mark’s face, he needed confirmation.

“What?”

“I said, can I take back my charger? I’m not gonna say it again.” Mark stated, short, cold, commanding.

_Oh._

It was far from what he expected. Haechan daydreamed of apologize, peace. He wished for a new chapter. Guessed he put his hope too high. Too high that it was unreachable. Now, his heart was the one who’s broken, who once was strong.

He turned his back against Mark, frustrated, exhaled sharply. He focused back to his delayed work just now.

“I don’t have it.” He replied in flat tone.

“You’re lying.”

“I’m serious.” But still there’s a broken wave in his voice.

“It was you who borrowed it the last time.”

Haechan let out an angered breath, he swiftly turned back to the elder, who’s now both hands on waist, waiting for explanation.

“I told you I don’t have it anymore. I already return it to you few weeks ago.” Haechan struggled to keep his voice firm, unshaking. It’s true. He already gave it back to Mark few days before their quarrel.

“But I don’t have it in me too.” Mark shrugged, ignorant, cold, still not accepting his excuses.

“Then it’s not my fault you’ve lost it. Be more responsible next time.” Haechan returned his words.

“So it’s my fault then?” Mark questioned back. Unsastified.

“It’s good that you acknowledge it.” Haechan confirmed, in a steady voice. But deep down his heart was hurt. He chose to retreat from the argument and ignored it, picked up his bag, deciding that it was best to go home. If he stayed for too long at the room, more unwanted scene would happen. He didn’t want that. He had enough.

It was unexpected.

Haechan heard him cursed.

He felt his back being spun around half a full degree. He didn’t know what was happening. He being pushed back violently against the locker by Mark, his back hit the locker’s handle, accurately and harsh on his spine.

_Lord._

His eyes rolled, and let out a loud grunt.

His back felt like it split into two. The metal handle colliding against his backbone when his back meet the locker’s door. It was a pure pain in hazy numb. His eyes started hot and watery. He couldn’t felt his back. He couldn’t breathe. His mouth parted, opened, trying to say words but only heavy air came out. His legs gave out, and his knees landed onto the floor.

His vision blurry by the tears. The pain he felt just now separated him from understanding what was happening around him. It was raw. All he could see was Taeyong’s silhouette running towards him. He could feel arms around his shoulder and waist, lifting him up. Probably Jaehyun, based on his scent. His ears barely registered any words. His brain cannot process well. It felt like the time had stopped.

The pain branched out from the middle of his spine, slowly crawling to his lung and his neck. Every struggling breathe he took accompanied with heavy sounds coming out from his mouth. He’s going to die. Die.

His sight slowly faded into white, like a smoke, and finally, black.

 

 

Lucas sat by the balcony at his dorm. He waited for Jaehyun to pick up his phone. It had been 3 times he called him, but left unanswered. He gave up.

He stared outside. The sky darkened and the wind felt moist and hot. It was going to rain soon.

Then, his phone rung.

“Hyung,” He immediately picked up.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer. I left it on the practice room. We just got back from hospital and come here again to pick up some of left belongings. You okay?” Jaehyun’s breathes appealed, he’s probably rushing.

“I’m okay.” _No, I’m not. Totally not._

“Hyung, how’s Haechan? Has he wakes up?” He asked, at the same time trying to steady his voice.

“Haechan wakes up the moment we left. Doyoung hyung and Taeyong hyung take care of him the hospital. The day isn’t over for me. I need to rush back to our dorm to collect Haechan’s clothes and stuff, and get back to the hospital.” There’s a sound of honking from the background. Jaehyun was out of the building right now.

Lucas panicked. “He got hold at the hospital?”  

“For 2 or 3 days. The doctors need to do further check-up on his spine. It requires some times.”

 

Lucas became silent at the end of the line. Understanding him, Jaehyun could sense guilt from afar. “Hey, don’t worry. He will be fine. Trust me.” He assured him.

“But hyung-”

“It’s not your fault.”

Lucas shut his eyes, trying to savor the word and digest it. _It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault._ But apparently, the guilt kept building stronger and stronger inside his gut.

“Lucas. Listen to me. I know you feel guilty of what had been happening recently, Although you didn’t completely swallow the pill, you still can remember its bitter taste. Right now, things aren’t going right between Mark and Haechan. Don’t put the blame on yourself because of their fight. It’s their nature. They will be okay soon.”

Jaehyun’s words supposed to console him, but instead, it made him sobbed, his lung felt full and heavy.

“Haechan hates me, isn’t he?” He choked a sob.

Jaehyun speechless at the other side. Lucas could hear him thinking.

“Lucas, Haechan will never hate-”

“I’m the reason why they’re fighting! I know it hyung!” Lucas snapped. His tone sounded harsh on Jaehyun, but the meaning of his own words were more harsh to himself. He crouched to the ground, hugging himself at the corner of the balcony, wiping his endless stream of tears from his cheek with his sleeve.

“Lucas…” Jaehyun said, he didn’t know what to say anymore. Lucas already knew. There’s nothing left to hide. Lucas deserved to know, he thought. He struggled to pull out his thought while listening to Lucas crying at the end of the line.

“Listen,” Jaehyun let out a heavy breath before continuing his words, with a soft calm voice. “Haechan will never hate you, nor Mark, nor anybody. I know him for a long time. He’s the kind of person who will never bring himself to hate on other people. Even if he wanted to, he can’t. He just can’t. What we see right now is his anger and his frustration. It looks the same to us, but not to Haechan. Hate and anger are two different words to him, contain a contrast meaning for Haechan. He is angry with you, but at the same time, he still love you, like he always do. That’s Haechan.”

Lucas stay silent. He just listened to his words, not able to form any sentence to reply back. Instead, he just sniffing.

“Hey Lucas, just don’t worry okay? I’ll call you so you can keep up with Haechan’s news. If there’s anything, contact me, or Taeyong hyung.”

“Thanks hyung.” Luas said, before put down the phone.

He went to the bathroom and splashed his face with cold water. He looked into the bathroom mirror, searching for reflection of what he had done wrong. Haechan didn’t hate him, but it seemed like to him. He basically took Mark away from Haechan even he didn’t meant to, made them quarrel with each other, and now Haechan got into hospital. The roots started from him. With all the damaged that he caused, it was impossible that Haechan only angry with him. It’s definitely more than that.

The poisonous thought kept playing inside Lucas’ head, accompanying him to bed, making him wept in his sleep, causing him to have nightmares in afternoon.

 

 

“Yuta hyung, I’m off to hospital again.” Jaehyun called from his room, while making sure he brought all Haechan’s stuff inside the bag.

A few seconds, Yuta came at the doorsteps. His face looked tired and worried at the same time. “You go again?”

“Yeah. Manager hyung is waiting for me downstairs.”

“Be careful. Call me if there’s any news. I can’t stay still thinking of Haechan.” Yuta led him to the door.

“Mark’s okay?”Jaehyun asked before he gone.

Yuta sighed. “He locks himself inside his room. I call him for dinner, but he just ignored. I don’t know what to do anymore. Too much things going on right now.”

Jaehyun just nodded and patted Yuta on his shoulder. He was right. Too much things going on right now. He greeted him before he leaved. At the outside, the sky was darkened, sending chills to Jaehyun’s skins. He immediately moved and got into the car.

Like wildfire, it licks whoever got closed to it. Like a virus, the seeds contagious and spread to whoever near them. Nothing is safe. It engulfs people around them like a whirlwind.

 

 

Haechan dreamt of black and white. He and Mark were playing near Han River. His watch showed the time was 16.32 pm. It felt weird because analog watch only had 12 numbers, but he decided to ignore it. They got carried away with their game, until he did something wrong, accidentally hit Mark on his face. Mark got mad, he begun to punch Haechan on his chest. Haechan told him to stop, but Mark’s eyes become black and kept on punching him. It was hurt that he cried. He couldn’t breathe.

He backed away from Mark, looking for place to hide, but there’s none. He stopped near the river, there’s no way to go. Without hesitation, Mark put his hands flat on Haechan’s chest, and pushed him into river.

Haechan screamed.

He closed his eyes tightly, afraid to feel pain. Before he landed into the water, things suddenly appeared in slow motion, his hands being clasped by someone. He opened his eyes, trying to find out who was it.

_Lucas?_

By that time, both of them completely immersed into the water.

 

“Haechan! Haechanie! Wake up! Can you hear me?” Taeyong softly slapped him on his face.

On the hospital bed, Haechan screamed nonsensical words, with gleam of tears coming out from the corner of his eyes.

“Hyung, keep on waking him up,” Doyoung urged. He shook Haechan’s half-awake body with a great force that the bed also shaking. In flash, his eyes snapped open, and his body went straight up. He’s catching up his breath. He still can’t forget his dream.

“There you go.” Taeyong rubbed his own chest for relief, “You wake up finally. Haechanie, can you hear me? Lay down first. You just got conscious.”

“Lucas.” The first thing that coming out of his mouth is the name.

“What?” Doyoung asked out of confusion.

“Lucas.”

Doyoung and Taeyong both turned and looked at each other’s face. “Lucas?”

“Lucas.” He kept saying the name.

“Lucas…” Taeyong didn’t know what to say. He rolled his eyes to Doyoung, signing him to answer.

“Lucas is not here.”Doyoung quickly said.

“He’s not here?”

“No, he’s not.” Doyoung answered. His face look worried. Why the hell he looking for Lucas?

Haechan speechless. He laid again on the mattress.

He cried and cried.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what to do when circumstances hate them too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i havent proofread yet, but i'll edit it later. enjoy!

 

Haechan was permitted to leave the hospital after 4 days. The doctor allowed him to go home. But he needed to rest for a week or two, before he can join their practice and promotion. 

He mentally protest, but he can’t complain. Not when his back was still at a fragile state. Their comeback was around the corner, their practice ran rapidly and he already missed a lot. But healing was his priority at this moment.

 _Practice can wait, prioritize your backbone first._ His manager said.

Haechan can only nodded and obeyed. On the other hand, he silently grateful for the temporary hiatus. He could lay on his bed all day, or play video games in his phone as long as he wanted to. That routine was so unhealthy, but as if he able to do anything else.

His dream. The one he got at the hospital. He kept on dreaming the same dream for whole nights of his stay. He woke up crying, heartbroken, angry and sad. How could his Mark hyung treated him mercilessly like that? Pushing him into the dangerous water. What if he drown? Or died?

It was just a dream, but it felt so real.

And it didn’t seem any difference from what was happening right now. He also wished it was just a dream. All he wanted to do is wake up from these nightmare, and have back to the way it was.

_Lucas._

Why would Lucas enter his dream? He remembered, it was black and white, like a retro television screen, but everything turned back into colors… when Lucas appeared out of nowhere.

Haechan shivered. He shook his head, chasing away the memories. It felt uneasy, his stomach churned, his breaths uneven. _Stop._ He told himself.

He remembered, it was during their practice, before the accident, where he accidentally stared at Lucas who’s resting and drinking his water, Haechan got caught, Lucas returned him stare, confused stare, and Haechan immediately looked away. He remembered not being able to hide the embarrassment on his face, the awkwardness, after all this ugly things happened.

Lucas knew it already. Taeyong himself told Haechan, that he called Lucas and spilled everything. Haechan mad at first, mad at the fact that Taeyong revealed everything to Lucas without asking his permission, talking to him first. Then he realized Lucas had the right to know.

He realized too many things at the hospital. He realized that he could live without completely cling to Mark. He noticed that he had burden too many people with his immature behavior and emotional action. He pushed people away from his life. Now he utterly alone and sad inside.

He also realized that there’s a part of it was his fault.

 

 

 

“Break is over everyone!”

Lucas gulped his water for the last time, settled it down, and got up on his feet. He wiped off the sweat on his forehead. His shirt was drenched and wet already. Their practice was tight and more intense than usual today. His body ached, begging for rest and healing.

“Now get back to you position. Recall your momentum. Don’t lose it yet. We still have more to go.” Taeyong’s loud voice echoed through the practice room.

He was tired. His muscles felt sore. But it was a good distraction. The pain made him forget about his dilemma, his problem, about the trouble he caused. About Haechan. It’s good. It felt right.

Maybe if he practiced and pushed himself harder, he able to forget completely everything.

 

 

“Lucas,” said a deep voice from his back. It was Taeyong, alongside Doyoung and Jaehyun stood at the back. Their facial expression signed that it was urgent.

It was about Haechan. Definitely.

“Yes hyung?”

“Can we talk for a moment, after everyone go home?”

Lucas stood still, didn’t move, hesitating to answer.

“Don’t worry. We walk you home.” Doyoung assured.

“Okay hyung.”

 

 

Haechan was eating lunch in his room when his manager called.

“Hyung, what is it?”

“The company’s management calls today. They say they want to meet with you, and Mark, next week, after your MC is finished.”

Haechan’s heart skipped a beat.

“What is it for?” He dared himself to ask, even tho he knew the answer.

“They want to know what is happening, about last week. There will be counselling too.”

“Hyung,” He took a deep breath, before continuing, “Will there be punishment?”

He swallowed his saliva, his chest tighten suddenly, his heartbeats raced.

His manager silent for a while, he sounded like he’s trying to gain courage before speaking, “If it’s heavy, you’re probably going to be suspended for the upcoming comeback.”

Fuck.

Haechan gaped. The chopsticks were no longer in his grip, but clinking to the floor.

Suspended? From the comeback?

This can’t be happening. _This can’t be happening._

He slowly lost his focus, his breathing became erratic, there’s a loud pounding in his ears, his eyes felt hot and teary. A lot of voices screamed at him, all coming from every direction. He wished them to stop. But they won’t he’s going to die. Die.

Panic attack. It was panic attack.

Haechan recklessly stood up from the desk, leaving his lunch, hands spreading open, reaching for anything nearby to be gripped, his mind became blurry. He lost control of his own body.

_Suspended…_

His brain split into two. One keep entertained his emotion, deceiving him to embrace the sadness and angry. While one fighting to surge from the hazy confusion, struggling to stay conscious and rational.

“Donghyuckie, are you there? Listen carefully to me.” His manager’s voice suddenly become stern. But the phone already escaped Haechan’s hand. There’s no way he could listen to his manager. “Haechan? Haechannie?”

_Suspended…. He will not join the comeback. The fans, his fans… what will they say. They will looking for him. Or maybe not. They will not looking for him. No one is caring about him._

Haechan looked like drunk people. His eyes opened half-lid, he wiped the hot tears coming out on his cheeks, murmuring and sobbing, _this can’t be happening_ kept coming out of his mouth. At the same time, his chest were contracting and expanding harshly, trying his best to catch his breath. One of his hand clutched the curtain, while other one clawing the wall. His crying were getting louder. The anxiety controlled him, taking charge of his body and his mind.

His phone on the floor were crazily bleeped and rung, his manager kept on calling him, but it was useless effort.

_My fault. This is all my fault. My fans are going to ignore me. They will love other members. They will forget about me if I didn’t join the comeback. I can’t. I’m not going to let that happen._

_They will love Lucas more. More than me._

Haechan’s feet moved blindly, like an owl flying during the day, his feet led him to the balcony of his room. The skies outside were cloudy and grey. The air was warm and humid. It was the sign of rain, a heavy rain. But Haechan was not aware of that. He was fighting inside his own world, inside his head.

Out of nowhere, Lucas and Mark’s image flashed before his eyes. The flame inside his heart suddenly lit up, heating up his chest. Anger slowly flooded veins, flowing hotly along with his blood.

_Mark and Lucas pointed their fingers, laughed at him._

He curled his hand into a fist, he wanted to punch them. He dragged his feet to move closer to them, closer to the edge of balcony, but his chest was hurt so badly. He clutched his hand to where his heart laid, trying to shake off the pain, but his breathing was getting fast and worst. It hurt so bad that he crying out loud, sending a strong vibration to his body, to his injured spine.

His spine went numb, the pain awaken, choking his breathing route. His eyes rolled back, despite the strong wave of pain from his center of his backbone. He choked back a tears, his hands reached upfront, to the image of the two person inside his head, asking for help.

He took another alternative, he dragged his feet, bit by bit, reaching for the balcony rail, for something to hold on, for support. But his body was getting weaker.

Before he managed to make it, his hands were few inches from the rail, his body decided to shut down.

Haechan’s vision slowly faded, his limb went pliant, and he collapsed to floor, laying exposed on the balcony.

A rain drop fell on his cheek. But Haechan was already on the opposite side of consciousness, he fainted peacefully, while the rain fell slowly from the skies, a thunder occurred, before the heavy rain being poured from above, washing everything on the ground.

 

 

They walked outside the building, moving towards Lucas’ dorm. They walked slowly, as if they got all the time in this world, for themselves. The weather sent chill to their bones, it was one of kind dark afternoon.

If Lucas got all the time, he would definitely go back in time, and fix his undone mistake.

“So hyung,” Lucas broke the silence, “what is it?” He dumbly asked the question.

“It’s about you, and Haechan, and Mark.” Doyoung gave a straight answer.

They went and sat at the long bench infront of the dorm. It was late, the sun was about to set, giving away its few ray before completely gone, replaced by the stars and moon, orange skies slowly turned into dark blue.

Lucas drown in his own feeling. “Hyung, I have this thing in mind since the beginning,” he paused before continuing, “is everything really my fault?”

“What make you think that?” Taeyong asked. “They never blame you.”

Lucas looked down, his feet crushed the dry leaves, “Mark never tell me anything about their fight. And Haechan, I never talk to him, even for once, I think. But I could sense this intense feeling whenever I’m around Haechan. He keep gives me those sharp sad glances, as if he tossing the blame on me. I’m taking away his bestfriend. That’s what he been trying to accuse me.”

“It was just a tiny misunderstanding, like they always had, and usually ended it with peace. But this time, both of them took it personally and seriously. Haechan kept on believing that Mark hated him, tired of him. That such a toxic thought. And the fact that they included third person into their fight. I don’t know about you guys but I’m fucking scared.” Jaehyun confessed.

“Is Mark actually hate him? For real?” Lucas asked.

Taeyong sighed. “I’m- I’m also not sure. Mark had been complicated lately.” He answered honestly.

“How can he is not complicated?” Doyoung said. “The company put him in all units, joins almost every comebacks. He must felt he had been forced to do things not on his own way. And now he get his chance, he doesn’t want to feel trapped or tied up, to anything, or anybody, including Haechan. He get to decide and be free for a while, even if it just in living his social life, with whoever he chose.”

“And Haechan is trying to get on his way, isn’t it?” Lucas slowly added, asking for confirmation.

“That what it seems like.” Doyoung nodded.

Lucas let out a shivery breathe. He shook his head, this was too much for him to take.

“But we could put Mark aside for a while. What’s important is you and Haechan. The misunderstanding is between you two.”

“Hyung, you really think it was just some misunderstanding?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if he actually hates me from the start? Even before the fight.”

“Lucas, you’re overthinking. What makes you think that way?” Jaehyun chuckled in disbelief.

“I remember, on our first day practicing altogether, with all members. He threw me a cold shoulder hyung. He distanced away from me. Haechan never likes me hyung.” Lucas choked. He rubbed his damp eyes.

Taeyong quickly went closer and patted his back gently. “Hey, don’t say that.”

A drop of tear fell down Lucas’ cheek. He couldn’t hold himself back. His heart clenched, hurt and touched at the same time.

“Don’t get me wrong. You guys are so nice to me, but it felt so wrong to be happy and pretend everyone likes me when the truth is, someone’s doesn’t.” His lip were trembling, admitting the bitter truth.

The three older members became soften. Watching the younger member talking about himself with such humbleness, it awakened the protectiveness inside them.

Lucas added, “It is okay if we can’t be friend, get along like everybody, there’s no force on him. But I can’t live a peaceful life, easy on my seat knowing Haechan dislikes me, like, really _hates_ me, until the point where he got into a fight because of me. I caused him the trouble hyung.”

As if understanding what’s going on, the surrounding went chill and darker, amplifying the sadness in the atmosphere.

Lucas didn’t pay attention, but he knew the three older members were crying, along with him. He could see Taeyong wiped his own tears using his sleeves from the corner of his eyes. He could hear Jaehyun and Doyoung sniffing, trying to hold back their tears.

“Hyung I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry along with me. Fuck.” Lucas scoffed.

The three just laughed it off. They went closer to him, as if they were making a group hug around Lucas, comforting him.

“Don’t worry. We figure out this together. Just don’t hide anything from us.” Jaehyun gently rubbed his back. Lucas relaxed again. It felt easier to breath. Their words managed to console him. He able to smile a bit. This is good, he thought.

“What we should do?” Doyoung asked, after it seemed like a while.

“Do you think we need to confront each other? Three of us?” Lucas asked instantly. He bit his own tongue. Fuck. Was he brave enough to confront Haechan?

“That would be a good idea if all three of you willing to do so. But, if it’s by force, I doubt it will work out. Possibly it’ll turn even worse.” Taeyong clamped his lip, his mind travelling away, thinking about the consequences.

“We need to give it a try.” Doyoung interrupted, determined, “we never know unless we try.”

“But-” Taeyong unsure.

“It’s better than nothing hyung.” Jaehyun supported the decision.

 “Damn if I do, but damn also if I don’t.” Lucas concluded.

The clouds getting darker, showing sign they need to go back.

“It’s about to rain. We need to get home.”Jaehyun looked up to the sky, worrying if they got home wet. The rain already poured down at the other side of the city. They had to be quick.

“Right, we can talk about this later. Now Xuxi, I need you to go home, rest well, your body, your head, take off your mind from this matter. I want you to fully rest. You’ve been through a lot. I want you to come back to this matter only when you ready. You hear me?” Taeyong patted his back.

“Yes hyung.” Lucas smiled gratefully.

Before Lucas even stepped his feet to walk back to his dorm, Doyoung’s phone blasting loudly from his bagpack.

“Fuck. The ringtone scares the shit out of me.” He took his phone out and quickly answered the call.

“Yuta hyung. What is it?”

The voice might be limited for Doyoung’s hearing only, but Yuta’s voice was so loud that rest of the members could hear every words he shouted.

“Get back to the dorm now! It’s an emergency!”

“Hyung, slow down.”

“I don’t have time to slow down. Now get your fucking ass back here. It’s a life and death matter!”

“Hyung-“

“It’s Haechan.” Before Yuta ended the called, they could hear him sobbing through the phone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *im so happy that haechan and yukhei finally have an interaction (even if its short), but i wish we could see more of them.
> 
> im sorry if its short but i keep telling myself its better this way. theres panic attack scene occured in this chapter. not gonna lie thats how i experienced mine. feel free to share your thought down there. thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I dream of us in another life, somewhat far better than what we are now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANKS A LOT for all the feedback you guys gave. and thanks a lot for your patience for the update. im so so so sorry for the delay. life is miserable, and i have a hard time to find time to update. but thank you for staying.
> 
> do you ever dreaming of being angry or mad or sad and then you wake up, the feeling of angriness and sadness are still there, so you just scold people around you then. that’s what happen to haechan.
> 
> Theres also some fluff in here.
> 
> i havent proofread the story, so forgive me for any error. ill fix it later. enjoy!!

Haechan dreamt in his unconsciousness.

His body was not sore, his backbone was doing fine. He felt so light in that world. His mind was so peaceful. Unlike before, this was too good to be true, there’s a place like this existed? If it was like this, he would like to stay, and never going back. This is better.

He walked along the river, the surrounding was very calm, as he watched the sun was about to set. The skies was orange and gold, the best moment of the day. He sat at the grass, laying down at the soft field, letting the afternoon breeze kissing his face as he shut his eyes. _This is just like in an anime_ , Haechan cackled.

“Mind if I join you?” said a deeper voice.

Haechan quickly opened his eyes, his body slightly jolted. The first thing he saw was Lucas looking down at him, with his big goofy smile, and white pearl teeth showed off.

He can’t help but smiling.

“Do you even need to ask?” Haechan closed his eyes back, continuing his meditation, purposely ignoring Lucas’s presence. It felt so natural, with Lucas. As if, it was the way they were this whole time. Since when he became so natural with the big guy? But Haechan paid no mind. Plus, it didn’t feel awkward at all.

He could sense the other followed his action, laying comfortably on the grass. Both of them were closing their eyes, feeling the every particles around them moving in the air. The sound of the soft waves from the river kept them at peace.

“What are you thinking?” Lucas broke their silence.

Haechan grunted. _You ruin the moment,_ He muttered.

“My mind is absolutely empty.”

“But I can hear you thinking.” Lucas turned to him. His face was curious, like fluffy Husky, big but still adorable. But Haechan remained laid on his back, avoiding any eye contact.

“I told you, I’m meditating.” Haechan said back.

“So, your mind is completely empty, like nothing inside?” Lucas asked dumbly, pure out of curiosity.

“That’s how it is.” Haechan instantly chuckled, but he replied coolly. Seriously, what’s wrong with this big kid?

 

 

 

 

Yuta called again, telling that he and Johnny already inside the ambulance, with Haechan. They were on their way to hospital.

Four of them already in front of the dorm, they turned back, dashing to the hospital. They were grateful that the hospital was nearby. Just a few blocks. But the traffic was heavy, slowing down their movement, waiting to cross the road already took a lot of the precious time. Yuta called Doyoung again, telling them not to rush and be safe, since Haechan already arrived in hospital and being put inside the emergency ward, everything was under control.

But not Lucas.

He was out of control. His emotion, his mind, all spiraling here and there, losing their direction. He didn’t know how fast his feet ran, all he know that he needed to arrive at the hospital quickly. Taeyong at the back, shouting for him to slow down, but he ignored it.

He had no explanation for this one, but he had this instinct, somewhere inside him, that kept on saying,

_Haechan needs me._

 

 

“Yuta hyung! Youngho hyung!” Jaehyun called them out from afar. Both of them were sitting at the plastic bench outside the emergency ward. The other were at their feet, quickly jogging towards the two.

“You made it.” Johnny claimed with relief. But from his expression, his face was still worried, same goes to Yuta. The wrinkles on their forehead explained everything.

“Where’s manager hyung?” Taeyong asked. Four of them were struggling to catch their breath. Doyoung sat himself down at the bench, while Lucas rested his back against the wall, savoring the chill sensation from the air conditioner, drying off their sweat, fading away the heats.

“Hyung is outside, making phone call, probably talking with the company. I don’t know. I’m not sure.” Yuta answered honestly.

“Hyung what happen to Haechan?”

Both Johnny and Yuta’s face were down.

“I- I found Haechan fainted at the balcony. It was raining, a fucking heavy one. I went to his room immediately after I arrive, checking on him, if he had taken his meal and his medicine. I was curious that he’s not there. The door of his balcony was left opened, I thought of closing it to avoid the rain. But instead, I found his unconscious body laying down on the floor, already fucking drenched wet by the rain.” Yuta choked a sob, he wiped the tears on his eyes using his hand, “I pick him up, but his limb already weaken. I almost thought that…that he was dead. Fuck.”

Yuta hide his face with his hands, he cried, he no longer holding back his tears. Johnny rubbed his back, comforting him. The others became speechless, giving up to the silence, before finally giving up to the emotion.

As the leader, Taeyong took control of the messy situation. He soothed them all, mainly Jaehyun, who couldn’t stop crying. Jaehyun is an adult already, but he was the maknae once upon a time, and still the maknae among the hyung line. He still need attention and care from the older, especially at the moment like this, when one of their member was in misfortune condition.

Lucas sat there among them, shedding his tears silently. He felt so terrible and sad, but he wasn’t sure if he has the right to be. He wasn’t part of them, part of people who was important to Haechan, his friend, his family.

 _He was nobody_.

 

 

 

They waited outside the doctor’s room, leaning against the walls, some sat at the plastic bench. Jaehyun was the worst, he sat at the floor, crouching himself and leaning his head at the nearby wall. He looked lifeless, his eyes was red and teary, his pale face was heavily redden, especially his nose and under his eyelids. He was wrecked. Sometimes, he would start to cry again, calling his dongsaeng’s name, Taeyong and Johnny would comfort him over and over again. Jaehyun had been with Haechan through all of the mess, but he never expected Haechan to be finally defeated by his own demon. He should have been there for Haechan, and was not supposed to leave him, went through the hell alone. He had failed. Jaehyun had failed. _My fault._

Yuta sat at the bench, his head rested at Doyoung’s shoulder. His eyes was swollen from crying. He barely spoke or moved, just stayed solid on his seat. The only thing he did was sniffing and hiccupping. He probably worn out of energy from all the crying.

Lucas just watched them all. He didn’t know what to do to help them. He wanted to soothe, but he afraid of his own tongue. His communication skill in Korean is still nowhere, so he stood there in silence, absorbing the sadness, without being able to do anything. Fuck. How could he became this useless?

They waited until their manager finally came out of the doctor’s room. None of them wasting their time, everyone stood up, circling their manager, waiting for him to spill out news. The middle-aged man rubbed his forehead, unsure how to deliver the news to them.

“He is diagnosis with hypothermia, a dangerous drop in body temperature. Nobody knows how long he fainted under the rain. But looking at the condition earlier, he didn’t has any pulse, no sign of breathing, extremely slow heart rate, he must have been exposed to the rain and cold for god knows how long. The doctor almost thought he already pass away.”

All of them went silent, no words were spoken. Haechan, their lovable dongsaeng, was almost dying, on the verge of death.

“He is still unconscious, he is strictly under surveillance. But they give you all a chance to visit him, but not too long.”

Everyone stood still at first, but Taeyong forced them to move and walked inside. “Thanks hyung. Come on.” He said.

Six of them entered the white room. Scent of bitter medicine and air-conditioner were all they could smell of.

Lucas were the last to enter. He slowly stepped inside, with a cautious movement, careful not to disturb the calmness, careful not to ruin everything. Only the whirr sound that could be heard amidst the silence.

On the bed, Haechan laid peacefully, wires from the machines were connected to his body, and a drip also. Lucas gaped in terror. He tried but he just couldn’t imagine himself sat at Haechan’s position, enduring the pain all alone.

Jaehyun couldn’t hold himself, he began to cry again, his shoulder tremendously shaking. If he could, he would trade himself with Haechan, so the younger didn’t have to suffer so badly like this, until the point where he almost had his life taken away.

At the back, Lucas wept the wetness on the corner of his eyes. His chest throbbed with hurt and guilt.

From all the suffering that Haechan went through, Lucas believed that he got to be one of the caused.

 

 

“So, what about you?” Haechan took the chance to return the question. He already turned his body, facing the other boy, both hands pillowing his temple on the grass, admiring the handsome face in front of him.

“What about me?” Lucas echoed back.

“Yeah you. What do you got inside your mind?”

Lucas smiled when he finally got what he said. His forehead wrinkled, thinking hard before answering the question. He already got answer inside his head, but he was lacking in Korean vocabulary. This is hard, he thought. How did he wanted to say it?

Haechan shifted himself closer, hand reaching for the taller’s hair, caressing and combing the soft locks. Lucas leaned at the touch, enjoying the gentle gestures. Haechan smiled, he kept on petting his head.

“I feel so peaceful right now. Like, I could just die at the moment and I will not regret it.” Lucas answered proudly.

Haechan smacked him in the chest.

“Ouch!” Lucas yelped.

“I ask what inside you head. We are not talking about wanting to die, fool.”

“Fine, relax.” Lucas rubbed his chest, then grinned.

“Be serious this time.”

“Fine. But honestly, I meant what I said just now. It’s been a long time I haven’t feel this calm and… truly happy?”

“You feel happy? Right now? But you don’t _look_ happy?” Haechan disagreed.

“What makes you think I’m not?”

“Happy Lucas does not lay around like this randomly, instead ‘Happy Lucas’ tend to become hyperactive and loud, jumping here and there, screaming here and there.”

“Is it?”

“Seems like I know you better than yourself, although it is just a simple thing.” Haechan said, lowkey proud.

Lucas chuckled. “Umm, how to say this, well, I- I’m happy, but not ‘jumping’ happy or ‘screaming happy’. He explained in his mediocre Korean skills, with mixes of simple English term.

“Peaceful happy?” Haechan helped him.

“Yes, yes. Peaceful happy. I’m happy because I’m with you.”

Haechan’s smile slowly faded. No, he didn’t want to mistake what Lucas said. He was not supposed to have that kind of thought. He quickly shooed away the weird and uneasy feeling, and smile reappeared again on his face.

“What is that?” Lucas sat up, suddenly pointed out something.

“What? Where?”

“Over there. I want to see it.” The taller boy got up, his head tilted, looking for angles that giving a better sight of it.

“Xuxi. Don’t go there.” Haechan bit his own tongue. Since when he called the elder with his nickname?

But he ignored his doubt. Lucas is more important. He can’t let Lucas went there.

“That’s a whirlpool. It’s dangerous Xuxi. What if you fall? You don’t know how to swim. Come back here.” He was so concern of the elder’s safety.

But Lucas ignored him. He was more attracted to the whirlpool. He already reached the riverbank.

“Haechan, come on. They look fun.”

Haechan’s eyes enlarged. The whirlpool kept coming closer and closer to them.

Suddenly, he tumbled onto the ground, almost fell on his own face. His back got hit by something heavy, so hard that the pain waving to his chest.

“Take that.”

Haechan turned around. He knew that voice.

“M–Mark hyung. What are you doing here?”

“I’m the one who’s supposed to ask that. What are you doing here?”

Haechan opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He tried, and tried again, but it’s pointless.

“Wake up Donghyuck. You’re so coward. You think you could find peace living in here? Go back to the real world. There’s hundreds of thing that demand to be solved trailing your ass.”

His eyes started to become watery, the pain was growing in his chest, it is getting harder to breath. But Mark’s words just now is the one that hurt the most. He can feel it seeping into his soul.

“Haechan!”

He quickly turned around to see the voice.

_No._

Lucas.

His fear became real.

At the bank, Lucas’s body was half inside the water, the other half was struggling to grab the grass, holding onto the ground, and whatever to keep him from getting drowned by the whirlpool.

“H- Help me.”

Haechan got up on his knees, but he feel down again. Mark stomped his foot on his chest, keeping him from moving. He growled in pain.

“Hyung, l-let me go. He needs m- my help.”

“Help him? Do you even know him? And now you pity of him?”

Before he could answer, Lucas’s scream was all he managed to hear, before his body being completely swallowed by the water. 

 

 

“No, no, no, no, no.” He muttered in his sleep, but he wasn’t completely conscious yet. His hands randomly grabbed whatever near him. He kept shaking his head, tears falling down from his shut eyes, mumbling ‘no’ again and again. The members quickly gathered around him.

“Hyung what should we do?” Doyung asked in a panic voice.

“Call the doctor?” Said Johnny.

“Go.”

Johnny nodded without hesitation, and ran towards the doctor’s room.

They all gathered around the bed. Everyone’s heart went racing.

He slowly opened his eyes, squinting because of the bright light.

“He wakes up.” Jaehyun whispered gratefully.

The others let him took his time to completely conscious. Haechan laid on the bed, looking confused, and frustrated at the same time. He looked up to the people surrounded him, as if looking for something, something that is not there.

“Haechan…” Taeyong called him, gently.

Haechan sat up. He tried to relax, but he just can’t. The angriness and the frustration he experienced in his dream, were still vivid, he still can feel it, strongly. Sweats damped him forehead, neck and back. His heart was pounding against his chest, so hard that it about to burst. Mark’s words was still so clear inside his head.

He curled his fists tightly. All he wanted to do right now was grabbing whatever around him and punching the life out of it. He scanned the people gathered around him, looking at their face. Everyone was waiting for his reaction.

He stopped at the particular direction. His eyes laid on those face. Face that could both start and stop the fire.

The dream came crushing at him like wave, reminding him of the hurricane that he went through just now, the happiness and calmness he felt when they were laying on the grass, the laughed they shared. And the pain he felt, the pain that Mark gave. He was mad. He needed to seek revenge, to let go of the fire inside his chest.

The people that were looking at him right now were innocent, but he didn’t have any choice.

  _I’m sorry, but I have to._

 “Go away.”

“What?” All of them stunned. No one expected that came out.

“Go away from here.” He said in a flat but stern tone.

“What do you mean Haechanie? We come to visit you.” Jaehyun replied in disbelief. He moved forward, closer to the bed, wanting to reach his dongsaeng. He circled his arms around Haechan’s shoulder, curling the younger into his embrace. He worried so much. His eyes was still watery and his shoulder is still slightly shaking from crying.

It happened like lightning, before everyone’s eyes. Without warning, Haechan removed the hands from his body, jerking Jaehyun away, harshly that Jaehyun almost stumbled backward. Thanks to Doyoung’s quick sense, he caught him.

Jaehyun shocked. His mouth hung opened. He has still not recover from the sadness. Now he had to face Haechan’s sudden behavior. What’s wrong?

“Get off. All of you.”

“Haechanie, lay down first. You just woke up.” Taeyong came forward, trying to tone down the situation. He put his hand on the younger’s shoulder. But Haechan was quick, he brushed off his hand, leaving the elder gaped in surprise.

“Hyung,” Doyoung reached the elder by his wrist, whispering. “Don’t you think we should go? He still confuse, he needs space.” 

“But,” Taeyong ignored it. “Haechanie, you are sick. Who will take care of you? Don’t be like this.” He said in a soothing voice.

“Then let me get sick and die and rot in here! I don’t fucking care. Just go away. I don’t want to see your face again, especially you.”

He pointed Lucas straight using his finger.

“Haechanie, you are out of your mind right now.”

“I JUST FUCKING WAKE UP FROM HELL, OF COURSE IM OUT OF MY MIND RIGHT NOW!”

The room went silent. Everybody froze. No one dared to move, nor made sound, processing, coping up with the situation. It stirred up everyone. Yuta who had been silent since earlier, cried again, followed by Jaehyun. The others were on the verge of tears. Nobody knew what to do, or say. No one knew how to handle the situation. This was not right.

“If you people don’t want to get out of here, then I will.” Haechan’s hands suddenly reached for the wires and the drip, removing it away from his body.

“No, no, no. Dont Haechanie-“

The members quickly grabbed him, preventing him from doing so, but Haechan’s energy was different that day. He began to scream, nonsensical. The nurses burst in, they pinned him down against the bed, giving him injection. Haechan calmed down, he tried to fight, but his body weaken. Slowly, he passed out.

Lucas just stood there, still in terror. He was confused and speechless, still shocked by what’s happened.

They were asked to leave the room. Once they were outside, Lucas burst into tears. Words can’t picture how hurt his feeling was.

“Lucas, don’t cry. He doesn’t know what he’s doing.”  
“He say it to my face hyung. I should have known.”

“No, no. Lucas, you misunderstood him.” Taeyong said softly. “He is sick right now. I doubt he is in his right mind at this moment. He is just a kid who still learning to cope with something he is not usually going through. It takes time.”

“Until when hyung? Until when? He dislikes me ever since the first day, I told you! He is healthy, and in his right mind that day. Stop belittling everything. He made it clear, to me, to everyone! It’s a pure hate hyung!”

They all stunned. This is not the Lucas they knew. It was someone else. Or, it was still him. But there’s an inner side of him slowly coming out, that could only be awakened by particular emotion.

They knew it. Lucas already reached his limit.

 

 

 

 

The heavy rain pounded against the window, but somehow the glass material didn’t crack or break. Some of the raindrops entered through the small space between the windows, trailing down the wall, creating a small puddle of water at the floor.

Kun immediately reached for a dry mop and clean the wet mess. He locked the window tightly and secure, then pulled down the curtain. He went to the kitchen, putting back the mop.

At the dinner table, there’s still a lot of leftover, remained cold on the plate. Kun shook his head, quickly sort it out into the fridge. While washing the dishes, Kun’s mind flew away, wondering why Lucas didn’t eat his meal. He noticed a lot of things lately, the change of winds while surrounding everything, especially the one that surrounded Lucas. Not only Lucas, but the others too, his members, Haechan. No one said a thing about it, but everyone seemed to feel the tense in the air. Everyone knew that few things happen, but they rather whispered it in circle, kept it to themselves, rather than acknowledging the whole world.

Kun picked up two mugs and prepared hot drinks. After making sure the kitchen was in a neat condition, he went upstairs with two hot chocolates in his hands.

Inside, Lucas laid on his bed, wrapping in thick blanket, his phone was barely put down from his hand ever since this afternoon. Sometimes, he stared at his phone, as if it would ring anytime, sometimes checking the inbox, waiting for texts to come in. But nothing happened. He gave up and plonked the phone down onto the bed.

“I made hot drink.” Kun disturbed him, settled himself at the edge of the younger’s bed.

Lucas stayed still, eventually got up, lay his back against the board of the bed. He reached for the drink, carefully wrapped his hands around the hot mug, muttering a weak thank you to the elder.

“You didn’t finish your meal. I bet you didn’t touch it either. What happen?” Kun asked in Chinese.

“I lose my appetite.” Lucas replied in their mother tongue.

“You barely eat lately.”

“I’m fine.” But his face told otherwise.

“Losing your appetite every day is not fine.” Kun pointed back.

Lucas remain silent, only focusing on the mug in his hold.

Kun never saw the younger looked so down, lost by himself at his lowest point. Energetic Lucas is gone, replaced by some quieter, sadder boy. And Kun couldn’t help to feel bothered.

“So, you just come back from the hospital this afternoon?” Kun changed the topics. He took a sip from his mug.

Lucas just nodded lazily.

“What happen? Is Haechan okay?”

“Everyone knows about it already?” There’s a slight shock on the younger’s face.

“Manager hyung tell us in the group chat. Everyone is shock. I thought he was still healing. Now he is back to the hospital again. Poor kid.”

Lucas’s mind flew again to the memories at the hospital. How Haechan woke up, yelling at him. Haechan’s face, he remembered them vividly when he told them to get out. His stomach churned thinking of it again. He quivered. He put down the mug on the desk nearby. His gut can’t stomach anything right now.

“What did the doctor said about him?” Kun’s voice brought him back.

“I… I’m not sure either. They clarify it was hypothermia. He stayed too long under the rain, he gets cold, his temperature dropped, like crazy. The doctor thought he already… uhmm, die- pass away. No pulse, no breathing.”

“Shit. That’s crazy.”

“Yeah…”

“Do you see him, I mean, visit him? How is he?”

Lucas recalled back. “He looks terrible and … sick.”

“Who look after him at the hospital?”

“Manager hyung, and …Taeyong hyung probably. He volunteers to stay.” Lucas begin to feel uneasy.

“What about you?”

“What about me?”

“You didn’t volunteer to stay?”

_Oh._

Lucas chuckled. He finished his drink, before putting it at the lamp desk.

“Me? Stay?” He gave Kun a funny look, then gave out a laugh, a dark laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

“What makes you think I have the right to stay? Like, who am I to stay?”

Kun jolted a bit. Did he said something wrong that makes the younger belittled his question?

“Look,” Lucas said again, after noticing changes on the elder’s face. “He got Taeyong, Jaehyun, Johnny hyung, or the other hyung to take care of him. Those people know him so well. He lived with them. So, the question of why am I not staying is not relevant, at all. I don’t have any place reserved there.”

Both of them went silent, drowning in their own feelings. Kun still struck by his words. Then he offered to take the mug and went to the kitchen. He kept on replaying his words while washing the dish. His stomach churned, and suddenly his head went heavy. Heavy from all the thinking.

When he was back into their room, Lucas already slept. He took the blanket at the edge of the bed, and draped him.

Before he turned off the lamp, he could see tears on the younger’s eyelashes.

He can only sigh.

 

 

 

He only ate a little. The nurse once tried to shove him to eat. But Haechan didn’t like to being ordered around, so he threw the tray away onto the floor. The food were scattering all over the tile. People surrounding him stunned. After that, they never force or tell him to eat. They just placed the meal on the table, then leaved. Haechan knew, the doctor had reported his unfavorable behavior to their manager. There’s probably disciplinary action ready for him once he is out of the hospital.

But at the moment, Haechan didn’t give a single fuck. Fuck the hospital. Fuck the company. Fuck everyone.

Haechan was unsure at what state his mind belong to, right now. Too many unexpected things happened, and so many emotions taking over him. It was very overwhelming because he didn’t know how to handle them.

The memory of the moment he woke up still haunting him. He remembered vividly Lucas’s face, his reaction, his expression when he told them to leave. The shock, the embarrassment. But what’s clear the most in this mind, was the hurt. Not only he could see it, he could feel it as well.

But despite all the action, Haechan had no intention to wake up and yelled like a mad person to them. He just get conscious but the angry and the madness that he felt in his dream followed him back to the real world. And he unleashed the madness to them once he woke up.

 

 

 “Hyung. How long I have to stay in hospital?” Haechan asked during his manager’s visit yesterday.

“Until you recover.”

“How long?” He demand a straight answer.

“The company demands maximum two weeks for your rest.”

“Tell them to cut it short to a week.”                   

“What? Why?” His manager was taken aback.

“The comeback is close. I need to get back and practice as soon as possible.” Haechan finally opened up his concern.

“You need to prioritize your health first. It’s not everyday the company be nice to their idols and give chances for them to rest. Think of that.”

“But if I don’t get out of this hospital quickly, they’re going to disqualify me from the next comeback, with the reason I’m still healing. Hyung, I don’t want that.”

“Haechanie-“

“I don’t want my fans to forget me.” Haechan said under a shaky breath. “I don’t want to sound desperate but that’s my concern.” He admitted again.

His manager rubbed his own forehead, slowly, he let out a heavy sigh.

Haechan moved closer, taking his manager’s hands in him, begging, “Hyung, please help me. I don’t want to be left out from the activities. I don’t want to be like Ten hyung. Like Jaemin. They return after more than one year. That’s harsh hyung. I’m not ready for that.”

The manager stunned, watching the younger became desperate like this. This is uncommon. There must be something that he didn’t know. Something that Haechan hide. Something heavy.

“I can’t promise you, but I’ll do my best.” He said. “But you still need to meet the management. They want to know what happen last weeks.”

“All right. Thank you hyung.”

He can see Haechan’s shoulder finally fell down at ease, his breathing stabled, the wrinkle on his forehead was still there, but less obvious this time. That was the moment he knew it was something crucial for the younger, and he needed to help him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love to know whats your thought on this chapt :)


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